Defense Against The Dark

I have spent a great deal of my short time on Earth wrestling with depression and anxiety. God has been so good to pull me through, again and again, and as the years have passed I have found things slowly getting better. The bad seasons have become less frequent and less bad; I am not sure but I think I usually have more good days than bad days at this point. I think a big part of that is due to learning how to fight back. For me the battle never seems to go away entirely, but things can get better, much better, especially if you fight back. That’s what I have captured here: an armory of weapons with which to push back the darkness of depression and despair. Your mileage may vary; I am writing from a Christian perspective, though I think even a non-Christian (or a different flavor of Christian) will find value in some of these points. I hope that something in here can help you cling to joy and light, and give you tools to weather the storms of this life.

I have not addressed the topics of therapy or medication; I am not particularly qualified, and I did not find them particularly helpful to me, though I know they have worked wonders for others and I think every chronic struggler should at least consider them. I also haven’t addressed all the basic spiritual disciplines and practices that are necessary for a flourishing Christian life; that has been done elsewhere. I am just listing the specific practices that I think have best helped me the most in my fight against the darkness in my own life, from the specific angles that seem to have helped me.

1. Let the Gospel and the character of God challenge your feelings.

There is nothing more important to get down than this: we must trust the Gospel and the heart of God more than our feelings. It’s healthy to recognize our feelings, to confess and often address them. But for all their goodness, our feelings frequently lie to us, and sometimes they just won’t budge. Especially when we’re depressed. When our feelings are stubbornly at odds with the truth of the Gospel and the character we know of God, we simply have to defy them, and act in line with what we know to be true.

You feel like things will never get better?
Jesus says you have hope for both now and forever.

You feel like nothing you do matters?
Jesus says he cares about even the smallest act of kindness you’ve shown to the least significant.

You feel like you’re utterly alone?
Jesus says he is always with you, whether you feel him there or not.

You feel like nobody really cares about you?
Jesus endured unspeakable agonies in order to share his happiness with you.

You feel like nobody wants to be around you?
Jesus went to breathtaking lengths to bring you near to him and to be your friend forever.

You feel like you can’t go on?
Jesus says he’ll never let you be tempted beyond your strength.

You feel like your life isn’t worth living?
Jesus disagrees.

It’s not like we should always ignore or reject our feelings; that’s a recipe for disaster. We need to recognize them, to ourselves, to God, and often to others. But at the end of the day our feelings are not totally trustworthy, and God is. There is nothing more important to grasp here than this. When push comes to shove, objective truth must prevail over subjective feelings. We act in accordance with what we know to be true, and we wait for the day when our bodies and minds catch up.

2. Be Honest With God in Prayer

It might seem like the most obvious thing in the world, or the most useless thing in the world, depending on the day and how bad we’re feeling, but really all of our efforts to resist despair should start with asking God for help. He loves us, he loves to give good gifts, and he did not design us to live without him. Jesus was really clear when he said “apart from me you can do nothing.” Or as the Psalmist said: “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who labor build it in vain.” Every spiritual tool we have been blessed with, and every point in this post, is useless if we try to accomplish it ourselves, without God’s help. He loves for us to lean on him, we should not neglect to do so.
I can’t count how many times I have found relief simply in telling him exactly what I am feeling, no matter how incriminating. He already knows the doubts, questions, and even the grumbling swirling around in our hearts; there’s no point in mincing words. We can tell God exactly what we a feeling, even if we know it’s wrong, and ask for his help. He is not intimidated by our depression, our wavering faith, or our unworthy feelings towards him. We are safe to drag them out into the light, as best as we can, and ask for his help. We can even trust him to deal with all the things we can’t name, or do not understand, and don’t even know to cry out for. We can be honest with God.

3. Build an Armory.

If you were expecting a long power outage, you would gather all the lights you could find and keep them close at hand in order to light the way when you were eventually plunged into darkness. So too, pulling together a pile of trusty lights can equip us to pick our way through spiritual dark, and even to push back against it. It’s worth taking some time to build out an arsenal of objective truths you can use to fight back.

i. God’s Promises – His promises are objective truths that remind us what he says he will do for us. (Which is another way of reminding ourselves what he’s like!) Some of my favorites are:

He is able to save to the uttermost those who draw near to God through him, since he always lives to make intercession for them. (See Hebrews 7:25)
God works all things together for the good of those who love him. (See Romans 8:28)
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (See 1 John 1:9)
All who call on the name of the Lord will be saved. (See Joel 2, Acts 2, Romans 10)
He will never leave us or forsake us. (See Hebrews 13:5)
Nothing can separate us from his love. (See Romans 8:38-39)
He will give us everything we really need. (See Romans 8:32)
If we draw near to him, he will draw near to us. (See James 4:8)
If God was willing to rescue us even when we were enemies, he will not be less faithful to us now that we belong to him. (See Romans 5:10-11)

ii. Reminders of Who He Says He Is – If we can’t see straight enough to understand him, we can still trust his heart. We can pile up our favorite reminders of what his heart is like, and cling to that light when all other lights go out. Here are some of mine:

Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners. (See 1 Timothy 1:15)
He loved us even when we did not love him. – (See 1 John 4:19, Romans 5, John 3:16)
He is rich in love and mercy, and wants to show his kindness forever. (See Eph. 2:4-7)
He is gentle and lowly. (See Matthew 11:28-29)
He’s the kind of Father willing to give everything he can. (See Romans 8:32)
He’s the kind of Lord willing to pour out his soul to death for us. (See Isaiah 53)
He’s the kind of King willing to become poor, for us to become spiritually rich. (See 2 Cor. 8:9)
He’s near to the broken-hearted and saves the crushed in spirit. (See Psalm 34:18)
He’s merciful, gracious, slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for multitudes, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means ignore the guilty. (See Exodus 34:6)
He is faithful and true. (See Revelation 19:11)

iii. Reminders of What He Says is Coming – The apostle Peter wisely told us to set our minds fully on the hope and grace that will be brought to us at the Revelation of Jesus Christ, so it’s really important that we remind ourselves what that hope actually is.

He’s going to make all things right and new. (See Isaiah 65:17, Rev. 21:5)
He will wipe every tear from our eyes, and dwell with us, and death and pain will be no more. (Rev 21:3-4, Isaiah 25:8)
We who are in Christ will be with the Lord forever. (See 1 Thessalonians 4:17)
Creation will be restored and there will be no more hurt or harm. (See Isaiah 11:6-9)
Final justice will be done. (See Micah 4:1-3, Matthew 25:31-46, Isaiah 25:6-11, Rev. 20:14, Rev. 22:12)
He will show us the immeasurable riches of his kindness in Christ Jesus for all the coming ages. (Eph 2:4-7)
Jesus will finally be glorified, vindicated, and seen by all for who he really is. (Philippians 2:9-11)
God’s people will be with him and he will be rightly adored forever. (Revelation 22:1-4)

4. Reflect on God’s Faithfulness.

God has proven himself so many times, both in our immediate lives and outside of them, and reflecting on that past faithfulness helps us hope in his future grace, because we have every reason to believe that he will continue to be faithful to his promises and his character. Our hope in him will not put us to shame; we have ample evidence that he has provided for us in the past and will continue to do so:
We have the Gospel itself. We have the Church, the people of God (warts and all). We have the Bible, painstakingly kept and brought to us through the blood, sweat, and tears of those who have gone before us. We have mountains of songs, sermons, books, and works of masterful art lovingly given by those who came before and left us these little pictures the kingdom of heaven. Your own faith came to you because one way or another somebody else gave you the Gospel, and the Spirit opened your heart, and you heard and believed. God sent that person to you, through an unbroken chain of his people throughout the ages. He patiently endured all your years of wandering, and worked in the world to send somebody to you. And every time you have doubted, every time you have wandered, every time you have sinned, every time you have begun to stray since… he has called you back. We have struggled before and he has gotten us through. Our very wrestling today is proof of his continual faithfulness to us. Trust him to keep being faithful, even in this season of darkness.

5. Reflect on God’s Worthiness.

The lengths to which God has gone to love us reveal a kind of being who genuinely deserves to be trusted even through the darkest of seasons. Somebody willing to give so much, to suffer so much, to bear so much, and to create so much for people who don’t really care about him… that kind of being deserves our trust. A love so extraordinary and pure deserves to be trusted. In fact, taking heart and believing in his goodness is the first act of love we can render back to him: simply to believe that he loves us as much as he does.
Something incredible happens when our motivation for trusting Jesus begins to be motivated out of love for him and recognition of his worthiness: our motivation for taking heart and holding on becomes something that is outside ourselves. When our reason for trusting Jesus is not just because it benefits us, but because he is so wonderful that he deserves to be trusted, we find a power and resolve kindled in our hearts that is unlike anything else, because in that moment our choosing to trust him and to take heart is transformed into an act of love, not just an act of need. Our hearts are able to do things for love that we might not otherwise have the strength to do. Loving Jesus can give us the strength to go on when our own love for ourselves might otherwise give out.

6. Take Gratitude on the Offensive.

Reflecting on what God has done for us, even the basic things right in front of our faces, arms us with hard facts we can use to remind ourselves of the character of God, and to kindle hope for future grace. Staring our suffering and disordered feelings in the face and thanking God for what he has done gives us power to flip the narrative, because it once again gives us a power that springs out of caring for someone outside of ourselves. Instead of being crushed under our suffering, we can choose to rejoice, however feebly or poorly we can, because God has been so good to us, and no matter how bad we have it in this life, what we have in him is abundantly more than we could have ever deserved or dreamed. Sometimes the best thing we can do is stop and thank God for everything we can think of. Maybe it’s avocados, eyes that can see, that pair of pants that actually fits, somebody who makes us laugh, bread and butter, bodies that can carry us out into the world, an endless procession of unique sunrises and sunsets, the smell of fajitas, the smile of a child, or the sound of rain. Whatever it is, if we look on what God has given us that he didn’t have to give us, if we meditate on what kind of heart creates and give so many gifts to us even when we don’t think of him, if we muster up even a little strength to recognize and thank him for it all, that little spark of love in our hearts will shed a little light, and push back a little more of the darkness.

7. Daily Bread, not Yearly Bread.

We are often hammered with the feeling that “things can never get better” and “I can’t last any longer” and “I will never make it to the end”. One of the simplest ways to combat such thoughts is to recognize that we don’t have to be strong enough to make it to the end; we just need to make it to the end of the day. God will provide strength enough for today. Jesus wisely told us not to be anxious about tomorrow; today has enough troubles of its own. We just have to muster up the strength to make it through today; we don’t have to worry about making it through tomorrow until we get to tomorrow.

8. Confession and Repentance.

One elephant in the room is that sometimes our downcast hearts are downcast for good reason. Sometimes, we have allowed sin to linger and fester in our lives, and our hearts rightly cannot take comfort in the promises of God because we are refusing to take hold of those promises on the terms God extends to us, namely those of repentant faith. We cannot expect to be comforted by the great Comforter if we refuse to stop spitting in his face. If there are ways where we know we are refusing to love God and to submit to his gracious commands for our lives (such as holding onto something we should let go, or refusing to do something we know we ought to do) then we should be honest with God and at least one other believer about what has been going on in our hearts.
We need to get it all out: not just the action itself but the heart posture, the idol, the unbelief beneath our sin. We call it out as it really is, so far as we understand it. We ask God (and any other wronged parties) to forgive us, to help us to follow his ways, to hate Sin, to love Good, to see the world the way he sees it. We ask him to help us love him the way that he deserves for us to love him. We ask our believing friends for help. We do what we need to do, and give up what we need to give up, to respond to his forgiveness with loving obedience. Such confession and repentance can be mingled with joy if we allow it, because the very fact that God has called us to repentance and given us a desire to do so is an act of love in and of itself, love that overflowed from his heart even when we were running from him.

9. Lean on Your Community.

We were not made to go through this life alone. Occasional isolation and solitude have their place, but the whole tenor of the Bible is unassailably clear that we are intended to function as part of a community, and more than that: as God’s own family. We are made to share each other’s burdens. We must honestly tell our friends, our family, our fellow church members how we’re doing, and occasionally do it even when we don’t want to. Not only does this give them an opportunity to love the real version of us, but it also signals to them that they are safe to do the same, and it is amazing how often our load is lightened simply in the act of communicating it to our friends. We can simply describe out loud what we’re feeling and thinking through, ask them to pray for us, let them love us however they know how, and thank them for being our friends. If they don’t get it, if they don’t remember our struggles, if they’re not terribly helpful… we can take it easy on them and show them the grace our Father in Heaven has shown us. Satan loves to make us feel more alone than we really are, and so to heap even more weight on our souls. By leaning into our communities we can resist that lie, and maybe even make somebody else feel less lonely when our vulnerability shows them that they aren’t the only one struggling. If nothing else, if you have no strength to do more, just show up to church, show up to your community group, show up when your friends invite you to dinner. Do not let Satan keep you alone indefinitely.

10. Pour Yourself Out to Serve Others.
On some of my darkest days the thing that has kept me going is that as long as I’m here I can make somebody else’s life less miserable. As Charles Dickens said: “No man is useless who lightens the burden of another.” We can find a tremendous amount of purpose and power when we are devoted to serving the needs of others, and a satisfaction (or even joy) that can punch through the darkest clouds of depression and give us a breath of fresh air. It’s almost miraculous what can well up in us when we seek the joy of others, especially when we do that for those who are suffering or vulnerable.
It’s more than just distraction, and more even than simply getting perspective on our own suffering: in choosing to throw ourselves into the care of others, we are taking up the mantle of who we are made to be and how we are made to function. We are walking the way of Christ, and imitating our Father in Heaven, and God seems to bless such acts in a special way. Our hearts seem to shake off some of the rust and gloom and to find fresh strength, because as mentioned already: love can give us the power to do things we would not otherwise be able to do. If we are languishing in darkness, we can look for other suffering, struggling, vulnerable people around us and see how we can use what little strength we have to help them. When we do, we will often find joy and power to keep going, even through the blackest of days.

11. Recognize the Enemy, and Fight Back.

I don’t know about you, but I find great motivation and fresh resolve to push back against depression and despair when I remember that it is not just an unfortunate, accidental, impersonal force acting on me, like gravity or magnetism. It is, at least in part, a being. The Bible is clear that our suffering is largely the work of an exceedingly malevolent, cunning, horrible enemy, acting both directly and indirectly in the world. Knowing that our suffering is at least in part the work of Satan can kindle a righteous indignation, a holy defiance, an angry refusal to give in to despair and to doubt the Lord who has done so much for you. Jesus said that he came ‘to destroy the works of the devil’; it is right to ask God to do just that. If it is right to be angry when Satan is oppressing another person, it is right to be angry when he is oppressing oneself. We can cry out, like the Psalmists, for God to thwart our great Enemy and to rescue us from his oppression, temptation, and influence. We can even use the very tools of our Enemy against him if we let his attacks drive us to Jesus for rescue. As Charles Spurgeon once said:
“It is always the Holy Spirit’s work to turn our eyes away from self to Jesus. But Satan’s work is just the opposite; he is constantly trying to make us look at ourselves instead of Christ. He insinuates, ‘Your sins are too great for pardon; you have no faith; you do not repent enough; you will never be able to continue to the end; you do not have the joy of His children; you have such a wavering hold on Jesus.’ All these are thoughts about self, and we will never find comfort or assurance by looking within. But the Holy Spirit turns our eyes entirely away from self: He tells us that we are nothing, but that Christ is everything. […] If we are to overcome Satan and have peace with God, it must be by ‘looking to Jesus.’”

12. Take Care of Your Body.
It’s often impossible to know what causes seasons of spiritual and emotional darkness in our lives. The way the mind and body interact is still a great mystery, though we learn a little more every day. Keeping our bodies healthy does not guarantee that we will feel better, but keeping our bodies unhealthy virtually guarantees that we will not feel as well as we otherwise could. The following things have been helpful for me:

i. Food – Eating fresh food, and recognizing it as an incredible gift from God. Not only is food one of the only things we actually take into our bodies, it is the only thing (with few exceptions) that literally becomes part of our bodies. It’s an amazing gift for God to take care of our bodies, multiple times a day, in such a tangible, delicious way. Meditating on that has often brought me joy that simply can’t be denied, because it was right in front of me on my plate.

ii. Exercise – Our bodies are made to move. More than that, we are made to overcome hard things, and to enjoy it. I have certainly found that to be true. I tend to feel so much better when I get regular exercise. I would go so far as to say that nothing has had a bigger impact on my health than regular, hard exercise. Walking is a very accessible start, and a great way to get outside, but I think hard work, work that makes you need to catch your breath occasionally, is the kind of sweaty work that has worked wonders for me. Something about overcoming a daunting slog of a workout, even when I am dreading it in the beginning, seems to help build the reflex in me that says “I can do hard things”. That’s a really helpful mindset/reflex on those days when despondency makes it hard to even get out of bed.

iii. Sleep – I am sure this is pretty individual, but for my part, I simply don’t feel good on less than 7.5 hrs of sleep. I can get by for a day on or two on less; I could probably eek by forever on 7. But 7.5+ hours really makes a big difference. To improve sleep quality, I stop eating 2 hrs before bed, and stop screens 1hr before bed. That seems to have helped a lot.

iv. Removing Harmful Substances – I have never been a particularly big drinker, but I do think that reducing my alcohol intake to nearly zero (about once per month) has been a real boost to my overall well-being. Brain chemistry is tough enough to manage without regularly throwing in a substance that is a known depressant and which can wreak absolute havoc on the quality of your sleep (even though it can help you start sleeping, it generally keeps you from getting into deep sleep).
There are also a handful of foods that I consistently feel bad after eating; I think cutting these out has also been of benefit to my overall health, and thus my mental health. Those foods just aren’t worth it.

v. Getting Outside – This is been thoroughly studied. Time outside is simply good for us. Whether it’s a walk after dinner, or a yearly camping trip. Getting outside just seems to be good for my soul. One of the best ‘bang-for-your-buck’ ways to do this has been simply to take a 10 or 20 minute walk after lunch and after dinner. Not only does it get me outside, and get in a tiny bit of exercise, but it’s also a super good way to keep your blood sugar levels more stable (which can also have a positive effect on mood and mental health).

vi. Doing Beautiful Things – It’s pretty clear from scripture that God made us to rest, and to enjoy beautiful things. (He did invent the Sabbath after all!) I think for this reason it is important to regularly do a thing or two, however small, for no other reason than because it is beautiful or joyful. I think it’s important that it has essentially no other purpose than that you enjoy it. I know that my soul tends to wither if I do not get at least once a week to do something just because it’s nice. (Ideally more than once a week!) Whether it’s reading a book, watching a YouTube channel I like, making chai from scratch, writing, daydreaming, driving around a beautiful part of town, whatever. For me at least, there is something restorative about having at least an hour or two on a Sunday afternoon when I can just relax and enjoy something good from God, with no strings attached.

Well, that’s it. Weapons tried and tested through years of wrestling, squeezed into about 4,600 words. I’m sure I’m forgetting something, and I would love to hear from you if you have other arms to add to this armory. I hope something in here can be of service to you in your fight. Feel free to reach out if you have any thoughts or questions.

Soli Deo Gloria.